it was like eating out sand paper
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
