I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
