I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
