The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
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obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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