You smell like stripper and shame
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
