remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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