normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
