As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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