apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
