I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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