My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
