So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
