I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
