just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
