So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
These tits shall not be calmed
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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