is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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