i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
