I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
try to milk me bitch
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