Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
