It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
