Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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