She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
