Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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