I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
