4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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