I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
