He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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