I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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