My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I want a musical about memes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
