he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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