i already hear my dad disowning me
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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