Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
