don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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