Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
