I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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