so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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