i don't like sucking hair
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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