So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
