I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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