Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
