I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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