My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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