Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
