did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
