I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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