he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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