I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
