I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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