no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
