I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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