this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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