I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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