Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
