I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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