I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
