I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your cock deserves a montage
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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