I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
